Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Phrases that are stupid

1. "I wouldn't know him from Adam." Like do you mean "Adam and Eve" Adam? Cause I Googled and this is biblical Adam vs. a normal guy that might be named Adam (although there's like a one in an ultrabillion chance). I don't actually know the guy below, I just found this picture on the internets. I hope you're a good sport if you are reading this, "Normal Looking Guy".

On a side note, how funny would it be if you Googled "Normal Looking Guy" and your face popped up? Or better yet, if this was actually the best and easiest way to show your friends a picture of the guy you're dating?

How can you not know the guy you are looking for from Adam? Try harder.

And if not, then I only know one Adam, who was best friends with my ex, and still owes me $15 from a bet. So if you're talking about that Adam, I'm pretty sure I would be able to tell the difference. I don't think he's particularly good at disguise. That guy's just okay. Adam, stop being so cheap and give me back my $15.

2. "The bee's knees" or, alternatively, "The cat's pyjamas". This is used to describe something very cool, but I think it's stupid because a bee's knees must be very tiny (I didn't even know they had any!), and cats don't even wear pyjamas unless they are very OH! I get it now. Okay, the cat's pyjamas makes a bit of sense, I guess. It's still a weakly formulated analogy. (Like I still don't really get it.)

3. "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." If anyone ever said that to me, I would punch them in the face. Who is going to throw out a perfectly good baby friend?!? They're fucking adorable. I can't wait to have a million babies for two reasons. I bet you're thinking one is "Motherhood" but that's like probably number 8 because that seems pretty hard, and I really only like to try medium hard at anything. The main reason is so I can take those douchebag photos (in black and white for extra elegance) where you're practically naked and you have to look at the camera all determined-like, as if you're thinking, "This moment right here? I was born for this moment." You know which ones I'm talking about. I'm not going to post a picture because I don't want some new mother to see that I posted a picture of her and called it a douchebag photo and come kick my ass with her newfound baby friend strength. I am not a tough girl.

The second reason is so that I can listen to Britney Spears' song that she wrote about Sean Preston, "Someday I Will Understand", on repeat, which I already do, but then I really will understand! It's a very exciting time. Oh my God, the entire video one of the aforementioned photos. In movement. Brava, Miss Britney, Brava.

Obviously, I'm not in any way ready for baby raising (I've actually been described as "dizzy". Recently. Who in the history of mankind has ever been described as "dizzy"?) but a friend couple recently announced their pregnancy and they're not so "mature". Here is an actual excerpt of a conversation I recently had with the male half.

Him: "Sup, shitballsdickface?"

Me: "Oh, hey. You wanna talk to Marty?"

Him: "Men are awesome. You are stupid."

Me: (Pause.) "Yeah. I'm just going to go get Marty for you."

Good luck, little baby friend.

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