Tuesday, March 2, 2010

First Post!!

So I've been staring at this blank screen for about 45 minutes. I'm trying to impress you with my creative mind flow but I don't really have anything specific to write about these days. My time of shoving microscopic but very absorbant towels and a Swiss Army knife (both of which I've never used in my life... Thanks for the tips, Internets.) into backpacks measured by litres are over. For *why* backpacks are measured in litres doesn't make any sense to me. Who's bringing freely poured juice on their travels?

So here's an intro to me as a person rather than events going on in my life.

These are my parents posing in a glamour shot with a live 8 lb. king crab minutes before eating it.
When I was younger, instead of having an imaginary friend, I had an imaginary camera crew. Every time my parents would put a plate of cold jellyfish, thousand year old eggs, or the part of cow's stomach that kind of sort of looks like seafood (but you know in your heart it's not) in front of me, I would open my eyes wide, raise my eyebrows and slowly turn my head to the left, also known as Camera One, for a direct face shot of my horror. This is long before the days of The Office, or even Home Alone.

I still catch myself doing this sometimes. Trust, you do NOT want your boss catching you making Macauley Culkin faces to your monitor. The rest of the day gets very embarassing.

The funniest part about it is that they would try to convince me to eat these things by telling me the prices of them. For what reason would an in-depth analysis of B.C. abalone stocks peak the interest of a 6 year old child?

This is my dog, Taiko.

Taiko is more like a roommate who doesn't pay rent or clean up after himself, and always eats all the cheese. However, you get invited to all the good parties because he's so cute and everyone wants him around, so you put up with him.

Taiko is a very mild-mannered roommate who spends 90% of his time sleeping or stretching. You'd think that you could let him off his leash and play a nice game of "Let's stop here and sleep/stretch together" but this is not the case. He is a terrible walker. The minute his leash is off, Taiko runs like The Dickens and you're stuck chasing him in your heels as fast as you can, with tears freezing on your face, and asking strangers to please throw themselves down on the street in front of your barreling wolflike dog to stop him for you. Like a crazy person.

On that note, what does "run like The Dickens" even mean? The only Dickens I've ever heard of is Charles Dickens (and since when does anyone call him The Dickens?) and no matter how I try to picture it, no sense can be made. That being said, I have no idea what Charles Dickens looks like, so for all I know, he looks extremely fast.

Okay I just Googled it (my thirst for knowledge is vast, you see) and I only think he looks medium fast. Judge for yourself. I could outrun you, The Dickens.

Anyways, the other day I was walking Taiko at the ungodly hour of 6:45 AM, when about 20 feet in front of me is a large grey furry thing. It kind of looks like a rat, but cat sized. Taiko looks pretty mellow, so once it scurries under a car and out of my sight, I proceed. Bad idea. Taiko lunges his face under the car, pulls out a grey furry thing and starts shaking it and slammimg its head into the concrete. I am screaming, like at the top of my lungs, and the sun hasn't even risen yet. When I finally yank him away, the furry thing is lying motionless on the sidewalk and I speedwalk away from the scene of the crime. I know it sounds bad, but what can you do??

On my way back, I'm walking on the other side of the sidewalk and I see a woman about my age crouched over looking at the furry thing.

Because I've caught my breath by now (and I won the Drama Guild Award back in high school for my acting finesse), I casually ask, "what's that?"

The woman looks like she is about to cry. "It's the possum I see every day on my way to the gym."

A POSSUM!?! What am I, living in the Green Forest??

"Oh my god!" I exclaim. "That's awful!" Meanwhile, I am holding Taiko behind me because, as he is the most expressive dog I've ever seen, she will see immediately that he is laughing hysterically at my antics. He did not win the Drama Guild Award back in high school.

At this point, I notice Crazy Woman standing by her door, with her arms folded, looking at me like "Cynthia, you are so fuckin' retarded." probably because it happened right outside her house and she saw the whole thing. She doesn't actually say anything though, to my relief, and just looks like she hates me (obviously I will take her hatred over her blowing my cover and effectively destroying any chance I have of making a new friend. Can you imagine? "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT 'THAT'S AWFUL'?? YOU KILLED IT NOT EVEN 10 MINUTES AGO!! I SAW YOU!" I would die.)

Then I realize she's not looking at me like that because she's in the know. She's looking at me like that because last week I screamed at her and her two small children to jump in front of my rabid looking, unleashed dog and catch him for me.


  1. I hope you post often, you're the funniest writer I've ever read. :)

  2. Ooohhh!! My very first comment and follower <3 I love and miss you very much!

  3. Like the dickens is a common expression that means hurts a lot and that has nothing to do with Charles Dickens. Dickens is a euphemism for the word devil. Rooted in the 16th century, the term came to be used as an oath at around the same time as God, Hell and Holy Mary. The word Dickens is derived from Nick or Old Nick, which can be traced back even further. Nicor was Anglo-Saxon for monster and a Nick was a mythological kelpie — a half man, half horse that lived in bodies of water and that took morbid delight in drowned travelers. Other expressions in the same vain include what the dickens, in dickens’ name and you have the dickens in you.

  4. Holy shit. Just saw this now. CRRRRAZZZYYYY!!!