Sunday, April 11, 2010


How terrifying is the very concept of PEZ?

Marty bought me a Betty Boop PEZ candy dispenser because I hadn't seen one in forever and thought they were taken off the market for obvious reasons. (Because they're terrifying.)

While PEZ candy is delicious, I can't help but wonder what kind of marketing executives thought of the concept of popping candies out of nearly decapitated toys...

(doodle-oo! doodle-oo! doodle-oo! That's the dream theme song from... emmmm... Wayne's World? OMG I'm a hundred.)

"I got it, I got it. We fill the insides of the cartoon character's bodies with candy, like a fuckin' mule, see? Then the kiddies got a toy to play wit' and a treat."

"But how are the kids supposed to extract the goods, Boss?"

"What am I, Joe? A fuckin' engineer? Ha! Fellas, get-a-load-a this guy. You better come up with something by noon, kid, or Imma break ya fuckin' head off."

...The Eureka moment must have happened right then and there in Joe (Pesci)'s brain.

GAHHH DAMMIT. OK. The problem with "research" is that, more often than not, my theories get shut down by "The Truth".

With my exceptional Googling prowess, I just found out that this handsome devil, Eduard Haus, created the idea of PEZ.

This guy. Created a candy that children had to break the head off of their beloved toy to acquire, then ingest via neck sucking. That, coupled with the fact that he's like infinity years old, automatically makes him perverted.

Who you giving side eyes too, Eduard?

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